Turn! Turn! Turn! - True Blood Season 5 Premiere!

*This review contains spoilers*

• Oh, my God! After a whole year, here we go! Tara! Reverend Newlin! Eric! Bill! Oh, my God!
• Oh, God, we get in an instant replay! Eric did NOT just say "Fuck Sookie!" That bastard! Oh, no! Poor Bill and Eric! Oh, God, no! Tara, you have to live! Oh, wow! They are kicking off their fifth season with a bang!
• You know what's funny? After four entire seasons, the last of which I thought was by far the best, I still don't know what the heck I think about the intro.
• The conversation between Naked Jason and Vampire Newlin is absolutely priceless! Jason, you dumbass!
• And Pam in the hole is utterly hilarious!
• Oh, dear God...Steve Newlin is gay? What? What!? No! I refuse to believe this! Well, maybe the sweaters should have been an indication...Oh, dear God...this is the weirdest turn of events ever.
• Whoooooooooooo! Yeah, Jessica! That was the most badass thing ever!
• Oh...no! Oh...my God! That's Marian from Robin Hood!!!! Lucy Griffiths! It's Lucy Griffiths! Aaaaaaaah! I love her! :)
• What the....Eric and Marian? I mean, Nora? Sister?! Dude, do you usually bestow such passionate kisses on your sister? Okay, fellow progeny of Godric, but still...
• I have to ask...how do people just bury people in their backyards and walk around in broad daylight in bloodstained pajamas without raising an eyebrow? And how does everybody manage to lose so many bodies all the time? Jesus! (as in Jesus Christ, not Lafayette's boyfriend.)
• ...And Andy Bellefleur is passed out naked in some hotel room....with Holly...cue her two  redneck sons...#awkward
• ...And Terry loses it...Okay, Terry's Army buddy knows something about something...Marine buddy, whatever. What if Terry was some sort of arsonist?
• ...And Tara kicks ass on some playground! You go girl! Side note: does no one get suspicious when Sookie keeps buying shower curtains?
• Oh, shit! Lafayette! Don't you dare! 
• Ah, the infamous tooth...yikes! 
• "Girlfriend fucker"? That's the best you can do?
• Poor Alcide...he's just setting himself up for heartbreak...
• Uh-oh, tell me that isn't Sam yelling...Oh, it is, isn't it? Poor Sam!
• Oh, my God! I can't see Lucy Griffiths as anyone but Marian, and I can't see Marian having a sexual encounter like this...this is wrong...Oh, my God, make this stop! 
• ...And there is Jessica, having some sort of sorority party. Aw, poor Jason!
• I rescind that statement. Really, really rescind it. 
• Oh, God, tell me Terry's not a psycho. Oh, okay, it's some kind of a thing about their squad and fires...whew, that was close....and he grabs Patrick in a choke hold...Way. To. Go.
• Wait, Patrick thought Terry was doing this? Is this like government mind control testing. 
• Wow, what a party! Jason and Jessica are such a couple...who is this college guy? And Jason and whats-her-face...aren't going to have sex? Wow...this is a fascinating insight into Jason's psyche. 
• Uh-oh, where is Tara? She can't be dead...not dead dead anyway. 
• Poor Sam, I always liked him. I hope he doesn't die here...
• Oh, sweet Jesus, they're eating him!!!!! What the hell! Not okay. Repeat, not okay!
• Oh, no, not more Marian/Eric...Oh, shit, not the Authority! They better live!
• Yes! Movement! Oh, wait, that's Pam. No! No way! This cannot happen. This does not happen. Don't you dare kill Tara! No...no...this cannot be happening. She wakes up now...now..........now..........now. Oh come o- Holy shit! What! Did Tara just attack Sookie? Oh, HBO, you can't leave me like this!

What an episode! Steve Newlin, gay vampire would-be lover of Jason Stackhouse, Tara, would-be vampire murderess of best friend, Eric, Bill, Marian/Nora, about to be toast...I don't know if I like this...still, I'll come back for more.